


Silence

by kingdomkeeperofthelibrary



Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I love Flynn Carsen too much for my own good, Missing Scene, Nicole broke my Flynn and I need Eve to fix it, Post Episode: s04e01 And the Dark Secret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 13:30:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13101174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingdomkeeperofthelibrary/pseuds/kingdomkeeperofthelibrary
Summary: She’s grown accustomed to constant noise since she’s been with him. It’s one of the things she’s come to love the most. And so silence is very, very noticeable. And she knows that silence only happens on the days when something is very, very wrong. And so silence scares her.In which Eve does not like how Flynn looks after that talk with Nicole





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! It's my first post-ep fic of the season! I wanted to get this up earlier but I've been super busy with finals. That's over now though, so here we are!  
> In thinking about how much I relate to Flynn, and everything I know about him, how he reacted to Nicole in that scene alone made me think a lot about him. And so did Eve's faces when she was watching him afterwords. And there was just so much to say about all of it. So here we go! I'm super proud of this! Hope you enjoy!

“I said I love you, that’s forever, and this I promise from the heart  
I could not love you any better; I love you just the way you are”

-“Just the Way You Are” by Billy Joel  

* * *

                       

Her keys hit the sidetable by the apartment door with a signature _clink_ that rings through the silence. The sound of him closing the door behind them echoes with a _thud_ , as she slips off her coat and throws it on a nearby chair.

Without a thought, she drags her feet to the couch and falls down onto the cushions with a heavy _fwop_. She closes her eyes and rubs her temple hard with her index fingers.

 _What a day_ she thinks.

It doesn’t take her long to notice the absence of an additional _fwop_ of weight sitting next to her, the lack of the ability to crawl next to him and under his arms, which she’s been waiting to do all day. It doesn’t take long to notice the lack of any _creak_ or _clank_ or _fwoosh_ in the kitchen. There are no more little sounds: only silence.

Concerned, she looks up and sees him still waiting by the doorway, his eyes pointed at the ground.

“Flynn?” she asks.

He looks over at her but says nothing, then quickly looks at the ground again. His toes are tracing circles on the carpet, and she can hear the little _ffff_ that his shoes made against the fabric. He only does that when he’s lost in thought.

She gets up and walks over to him before placing her hands on his shoulders.

“Come on,” she says. “Let’s sit down.”

He still doesn’t move. She tries to tug at him but it’s no use. She walks around so that she’s facing him now, and when she sees his eyes she inhales with a worried _heh_.

“ _Flynn_ ,” she insists. “What happened? Talk to me.”

They still haven’t discussed what happened when he was in the dungeon without her. She hadn’t considered it when they were on the case, too busy holding his hand and thanking every force she believes in that he got back home to her alive once again. They were joking then anyway, talking to the Librarians about whatever over a round of beers. He seemed just fine, just _him_ , and so she really didn’t think about much anything but the present moment.

But she’d gotten concerned when they rode home in silence. It wasn’t silence really: the radio was playing. But they hadn’t said a word to each-other. She tried not to let it bother her too much; they’re tired after all. She accounted the silence to just that and told herself it would be fine when they were back home.

Only now, they _are_ back home, and it isn’t fine. Now they are home and she can hear the _clink_ and the _thud_ and the _fwop_ and the _fff_ and the _heh_ ; she shouldn’t be able to hear such tiny noises. And once they’re all gone she doesn’t hear anything. She doesn’t hear a _creak_ or _clank_ or _fwoosh_ …and that scares her.

Silence scares her when it comes to him. He’s never silent unless something’s wrong. He’s always rambling on about something, always talking. And if he isn’t, if he’s thinking about his research, or the semantics of his favorite Tennyson poem, he’s humming, or whistling, or _something_ that keeps him occupied while his mind is at work.

She’s grown accustomed to constant noise since she’s been with him. It’s one of the things she’s come to love the most. And so silence is very, _very_ noticeable. And she knows that silence only happens on the days when something is very, _very_ wrong. And so silence scares her.

She stares at him now, willing him to answer her, _begging_ him to break the silence. He rubs his chin and still doesn’t meet her eyes. He shrugs and blows a little _piff_ out his lips and he walks over to the couch, moving his hand around in confusion before sitting down with a _fwop_ of his own.

 _Body language_ she thinks, sitting down slowly next to him. _That’s a start_.

“Flynn,” she says again, when he remains still silent. “Please talk to me. Tell me what happened down there once I left. It’s not going to upset me whatever it is. You can tell me.”

He finally looks over at her and his eyes are red. Her heart skips a beat in her chest before dropping down to her stomach. She tries hard to keep a scowl off of her face; it won’t help for him to see that. Instead she gives his hand a squeeze, but inside, anger begins to join with her worry.

_What did she say to him?_

“How could I…” he stutters, and she lets out another _heh_ as her eyes widen.

“How could I have messed up that badly?” he finally says, his voice cracking as he gives into the tears that have been keeping him silent to hold back.

“Flynn…” she begins, relieved that the silence is over, but begging this not to be the noise that fills it. She lets her hand slide gently up his arm to his shoulder, and scoots over on the couch so that their sides are touching.

“She was my Guardian and I failed her,” he cries, his voice getting higher and quieter as he goes on. “She put her faith in me and I failed her.”

“Flynn you didn’t know.” she insists.

“But I should have! I _knew_ her, we were…I should’ve known that she wasn’t…”

He stops talking and launches himself into silence again, and she sighs a gentle _huh_ as she watches him, hearing the couch cushion _cree_ as he fidgets and puts his head in his hand.

He always does this to himself. For as long as she’s known him he’s always done this to himself: taking on more blame than he deserves, tearing himself apart with unwarranted guilt. She’s seen it from day one, when he fell apart at the loss of the Library, and in Canada, when he ran off because he thought all the werewolves were his fault. He loves so deep, feels so much, is so _good_ …and he gets so hurt because of it. His greatest strength is his greatest weakness.

“Flynn,” she says gently, for the sixth time that night. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know; you can’t beat yourself up over this.”

“But it _was_ my fault,” he cries. “Eve I….I tried to do something with the time machine to stop the ninjas and I screwed up. I’m the reason it malfunctioned, I’m the reason it blew up, that it…”

He stops talking and Eve comes near to tears herself as she realizes that he’s been carrying this guilt with him for _thirteen years_. This breakdown, this silence, isn’t just about not going back to the past for Nicole. It probably isn’t even mostly about that. This is 13 years of guilt and grief and anger and doubt all rising to the surface at once.

She knows she can’t tell him not to feel guilty. She knows all too well the pain he’s feeling, thinking of the faces of all the people she could have saved if she had just shot her gun a little sooner, or kept her aim a little straighter, the faces that she still sees most nights before she goes to sleep. Guilt is something that can’t be controlled. But he lets guilt destroy him….and he doesn’t deserve this guilt.

Silence fills the room again, only this time with more _huh_ s and _heh_ s as his breathing has gotten heavier. She sits up straighter and adjusts her position so that she’ll look strong when he looks over at her.

“ _Flynn_ ,” she says, more firmly than she has before. When he still doesn’t move, she grabs his chin in her hand and turns his face so he’s looking right at her.

“Listen to me….you are a good person. I don’t want you to ever doubt that. You could’ve died going back into the vortex and you still went to save Nicole.”

Her voice gets teary as she’s reminded how she almost lost him tonight.

“You’re a _good man_ Flynn.” she says again. “And it’s the things that you do when you have control that matter. Those good choices are what define you, and what make you an amazing Librarian…and an amazing man.”

He smiles weakly at her, and her tears turn into ones of joy as she thinks she’s finally helped him find the turn-around. But it isn’t long until he shakes his head and looks away from her again.

“Eve what if….” his voice cracks, and it seems at first that he isn’t going to finish. “What if that was you?”

“Flynn no…”

“It could’ve been you just as easy…or Stone or Cassandra or Ezekiel. And it could still happen, because it happened before. And I couldn’t live with myself if I screwed up and lost one of you.”

“Flynn please,” she insists, but there’s no stopping him now. She’s gotten her wish, she’s broken the silence, but not in the way she’d hoped she would.

“Guardians don’t just protect Librarians, Librarians protect their Guardians too. You and I both know that by now. How can I be trusted to bind to the Library and protect future Librarians….to protect _you_ ….for all eternity if it’s that easy for me to screw up?”

She feels her heart break as he turns away from her again. Of course that’s what he’d think. She should’ve known. Why wouldn’t he? Now, after all the back and forth, she can only think of one more thing that might get him to come to his senses, that always did, even when all else failed.

Taking a deep breath and putting on a smile, she braces her hand on his shoulder, leans forward and kisses him softly. He starts to sit up straighter, and she can feel his breathing slowing as he moves his hands and places them around her waist. When they part they’re sitting on the couch, fully facing each other. He looks calmer, and he watches her with the same eyes that have always brought her home.

 _There you are_ she thinks to herself.

“Do you know one of the reasons why I fell in love with you?” she says, her voice cracking as she tries not to cry again.

He does nothing but look at her in wonder and confusion, his mouth slightly open though he doesn’t say a word.

“I fell in love with you because….among other reasons….because you never stop fighting for the things you love, for the _people_ you love. And you never stop trying to make things right…no matter what.”

She sits up straighter again and places her hands firmly on top of his.

“Flynn the day I met you, you wanted nothing more than to be alone. You didn’t want anything to do with any of us and yet you found out these three lost Librarians could die and you stopped at nothing to save them. And over the years….Flynn, even if you have setbacks, you’re never less than the best man you could possibly be….always.

“ _That’s_ who you are. _That’s_ who I fell in love with. And that’s who I knew I wanted by my side if I was going to bind to the Library for all eternity.”

He stares at her with wide eyes, and she smiles at him gently as tears built up in her eyes, remembering for herself all the reminders that she’s giving him. She still sits silent in disbelief every morning when she wakes up next to him and sees him still sleeping on his pillow, to think about the fact that he’s hers, that this was her life. And looking at him now, the same thought runs through her mind: how lucky she is to love him.

In a moment she isn’t expecting, he leans forward and lays his lips on hers again. She gasps slightly and leans back-the role that is more often his-but then wraps her hands around his waist and melts into him. A smile of relief crosses her face as she realizes he’s back with her: it’s _him_.

He pulls away from her slowly, and her eyes stay closed for a moment when he does. When she opens them, he still has that same look of wonder about him, but it quickly fades into a smile as he shakes his head in disbelief.

“You….are….” he stutters.

“Henge?” she teases. “ _Key_?”

He rolls his eyes as she loses herself in laughter, but he lifts up his arm and she scoots back on the couch as it comes to wrap around her shoulders and she lays her head on his. She breathes deep and closes her eyes for a moment and takes in the feel of his coat.

 _This is what she’s been waiting for all da_ y.

She looks up at him then and he’s staring straight ahead. There’s silence again, though not the terrible kind of silence. The only other time there’s silence with him is times like this: in the first few moments when they’re just lying together and living in each other’s breathing. This is that kind of silence…she hopes. No matter which kind of silence it is though, and because the good one never really does last very long anyway, she still feels she needs to say something else. 

“Flynn?” she whispers.

He lets out a soft grunt, his eyes still closed and his head leaned back on the couch cushion.

“You know how much I love you right?” she asks.

He opens his eyes and when she looks at him she knows that he understands what she’s talking about. His mouth is in a straight line, his eyes unmoving and serious, but she knows he is listening, and she needs him to hear her.

“That’s never gonna change Flynn.” she says. “No matter what. We’re solid. I need to know that you know that.”

Her face trembles as she awaits a response. She just wants him to feel loved. She just wants him to feel safe. It’s all she ever wants.

After a moment, he exhales with a foo and pulls her closer to him.

“I know.” he says.

She gives a small smile before he kisses her on the head, causing her heart to let out an exhale of its own. She’s just so happy to be in his arms.

There’s silence again, and she can’t tell which kind it is, because she knows that despite what he told her, he still hasn’t stopped thinking about the afternoon.

“You know I was thinking about the weirdest thing when we were at the lightning field…” he says.

She smiles and closes her eyes to listen to him as he continues to ramble. This is peace. And she knows that nothing is perfect. She knows that, even as immortals, there will likely never come a day when he stops needing to heal. But even though she can’t ever fully repair the damage, she can be there to break the silence.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for all your love and support as always <3\. Hope you're all enjoying the season!


End file.
